Does anyone know why none of the new Law and Order episodes (SVU and the original both premiered this past week) are not on iTunes yet? I’m worried that they aren’t going to put them on iTunes this year, and my Husband and I don’t bother with cable because we never watched it that much, and iTunes is soo much better anyhow because you can pause and replay and everything and we definitely don’t have Tivo. I tried to search the web for any news on if they had decided not to put it on iTunes this year, but I couldn’t find anything. What the heck, NBC?!
Today, I am feeling so tired. I just need a break, but it is Friday night, and now I get one. I’m still feeling down, but I’m looking forward to the weekend.
And I am overwhelmed with one feeling – love for the kids I take care of (Today, anyhow. Much of the time it is a really strong urge to have a baby, but I saw the children this morning, and they were so cute today that I feel content just having them in my life at this point.) They are so adorable! The baby turned one a few weeks ago, but, perhaps because he’s a second child, he seems rather advanced for a one year old. He walks really steadily and he’s been showing clear preferences nowadays. Also his language is really developing; he hasn’t quite been speaking words yet, but he he says all sorts of different sounds with different intonations like he means something, it’s just not quite English yet. And the toddler, oh how I love the toddler. He’s just so much fun; he loves to play with me, and I play with him, and he comes up to me for hugs and to sit with him and I tickle his feet and it’s just so….lovely. Mmmm…children.
Well, the semester is going, and I’m only in two classes, but still I’m having a bit of a hard time with it. Both classes are not in my own department but rather are in a related department; the material covered in one of the classes is a basis for a method I use in my research and thus is very important to me. The other class is a more general overview which will include the specific technique that I use, but much of the material isn’t too related to my work or what I plan to do.
I don’t regret being in these classes, but in both I am the only person from my department in them, and I feel as though I have a very different skillset to start than the rest of the class. Also I don’t know anybody in these classes either, which doesn’t help. They have regular problem sets due each week and I feel like I’m still stuck at the beginning of the learning curve.
It just feels pretty foreign to be in these classes, and I’ve got so many things going on in the other parts of my work and life, and I just feel tired and slow and I’m not always sure what I’m doing here. I’m feeling a bit depressed again, I think….dull, I believe, is a good way to say it. It’s like my feelings and emotions and excitements are all dulled – the only thing I feel sharply is sadness and sorrow, even though I can’t often articulate why. Part of me feels overwhelmed by the classes. Part of me is stressed over money. Part of me yearns stronger than ever to have a baby, so much so that combined with my other stresses, fantasies of quitting school and having a baby and staying home with the kid have returned. I barely have time to write stuff here, and I miss it, because I see my writing as me-time, self-reflection time. But when I’m home all I can bring myself to do mostly is play my new favorite game, MySims. ….well, such is the way I am.
I am proud about one thing though – I missed some classes this week becaus I just wanted to stay home in bed. But the good thing is, the sign of improvement, is that afterwards I e-mailed the professor, someone who I had introduced myself to but have never taken a class from before, to explain that I suffer from depression and that this week I was rather down and didn’t make it to class. I told him I just wanted him to know why I wasn’t there and that I had downloaded the lecture slides and was going to go through the sample problems done in class. I had been debating whether to send this e-mail or not, but I decided to, and afterwards I was glad I did because he wrote back a friendly response telling me not to worry about it and to stay well.
It’s hard to talk about my depression, especially with virtual strangers that I respect as I do professors, but it’s so much better to just do so, because then I can stop worrying that they think I’m just a major slacker. Still, the fear barrier of “How will they judge me? Is it better to speak, or not to speak?” has often kept me from talking in the past, so I’m really glad I got this out of the way so early in the semester. So, pat on the back for me!
What am I doing up right now? I don’t have to leave for another 45 minutes, and I barely have anything left I need to do. I set the alarm for this early, because I’m always a little anxious about accidentally oversleeping and being late or missing babysitting in the morning, which now that the school year is on, I do two mornings a week. And if I can barely handle not getting 7 or 8 hours of sleep, how am I ever going to manage when we eventually do have a baby?
The New York Times has a feature on the web today, in which they interviewed numerous 17-year-olds to see what their lives are like. It doesn’t take long to check out as each of the teenagers only has a few paragraphs, but I think it’s an excellent display of the diversity of life in New York City. To me, it’s when one looks at this, at these teenagers and how incredibly different their lives and future prospects are even at the young age of 17, that one should understand that we must do all we can to fight for equality and equal opportunity. The difference between the oral histories is vast, and really gives one a sense of the great range of poverty and wealth that one can find in this one city, in New York City.
Take, for example, the oral history of Jason Monegro, a hard working kid from the west Bronx who says:
Work at the time was a duty. I had to work, because if I didn’t, there wouldn’t be food on the plate.
His story reminds me of some of the members of my husband’s family, who are hard-working Latinos who struggle to pay the bills and provide food and shelter for their family.
On the other side, there is the story of Maria D’Onofrio, who lives on Staten Island where life is more like upper middle class suburbia than one might expect in New York City. In her oral history, she talks of her Sweet 16 birthday party:
You don’t have to be popular to have a Sweet 16. Most people at my school have them, but not everyone has big ones. It depends on the person. Mine was at the Old Bermuda Inn. The place was booked over a year in advance. There were, like, 150, 160 people — a lot of family there that I didn’t even know.
Then there is the story of a girl, Zy-Tasia Gaines, from Queens who is a lesbian, and what life is like for her living in New York City. When I was in high school, I participated in the Gay-Straight Alliance, and we tried to help create an accepting atmosphere for people of every sexual orientation. As I read her story, I can’t help but feel that she’s lucky to live here in NYC, where there is such a thriving LGBT community available for her to come into her own in, and yet still I’m struck by the crazy amount of prejudice that still exists today over homosexuality. She shares:
A lot of my friends stopped talking to me, and a lot of them still don’t talk to me. My girlfriend in Chicago, I’m her first girlfriend. So when we came out in school, as a couple, everybody said: “See what you did to her? Now you’re going to bring two people down to hell.” I’m like, “O.K.” And her parents really made me feel bad. They were like: “You’re ruining our family. She was fine before she met you.”
I think NYC really is an amazing city, and I’m glad so many different types of people call it home. I only wish people all across America could be so used to interacting daily with people of all these different types – from different socioeconomic strata, from different countries, from different family backgrounds. People need to accept other people as they are, and realize that many of the things that make us who we are are things that are out of our own control anyways; what matters is how we deal with them. So many Americans deal with difference by thinking it’s the other person’s fault that they are different, and it’s a shame.
Well it’s been a busy week, so I haven’t posted much. I’m always thinking, when I’m out and about on my days, about what things I might share on my blog and what I might write about this or that…but then I get home and prefer to veg on watching tv or playing my new computer game expansion, The Sims2 Vacation. So today I’m finally going to write something, yay!
I wanted to write about my thoughts at the beginning of the second year, because I’m really feeling like I’m coming into my own as a researcher – I’m feeling more confident, more directed, and more motivated. This is the start of my second year of graduate school, but I feel that I am ahead of many of my peers as far as research goes. There is a good reason for this – I stayed at the same institution at which I did my undergrad. Many people frown upon such decisions, but I made it for my own reasons and I think it was the right choice for me. So I’ve been working in this research group for many years, but I still feel the difference as I become a more mature graduate student; I feel that I am getting more out of the group than I ever did before.
This fall, I am only taking two classes; the remainder of my credits are for research. This is supposed to be my last semester of Master’s studies, and then I get my Master of Science degree in January and after that the rest of the time I will be registering for residence credits, which means I don’t need to meet a full-time course schedule since I will be researching more intensely. I thought I might have had to take more than two classes this semester, and I’m quite happy that my schedule has worked out so that I only have to take two. Those two classes are not in my department, but are very related to my research. One is all about an area and technique that I work with closely in my research – so closely, in fact, that the paper that was just published in print this month, on which I am first author, is in the main journal for this area/technique. Which also brings me to the point that I am officially a published author now, as the paper which has been online since the spring is now in a print copy of the journal as well. Yay! So the class is good practice for me to review the underlying mechanics of the technique and area that I am familiar with, but I also feel fairly confident in what is a challenging class because of all the experience I already have in the area. I really feel like I know why I am in this lecture, and it makes it easier for me to apply myself and focus during the class.
Another reason that I am feeling as though I am becoming a more mature researcher probably has less to do with me than it does with my other group members. When I started in this lab, there were three more senior graduate students. One of them graduated last Spring, and the other two will be graduating this semester. Which leaves me, a young 2nd year, as the eldest member of the team under our adviser. I have been gaining more choice in which projects I work on and in where the projects go, so much so that I am giving input now as to which topics my adviser uses to write grant proposals and where we might want to go next with our work. I know in many labs this is always totally up to the students, but my lab has a more hands-on adviser, and as such we tend to get a little less choice in our projects – but much more guidance. Now I feel like I’m getting the best of both worlds with an adviser that offers plenty of support and guidance but also now values my input on which projects might be most fruitful to pursue at this time. So many people spend much of graduate school complaining about their advisers, and I am both happy and lucky to not be one of those people. I work so well with my adviser, and this makes all the difference in a graduate school experience.
So I took a yoga class on Monday night at my gym, Crunch (which is awesome! I totally recommend it – they do a good job of creating an “everyone’s welcome” atmosphere). I had never taken a yoga class before, so this was a first for me, although in high school I took lots of pilates and ballet. It was also my first time taking a class at this gym, where I’ve been a member for a few years and classes are free with membership. I finally decided to get over whatever was keeping me from trying that out, and went to a class, and I am so glad I did! The class was actually pretty hard, as they advertised “all levels welcome” but it was geared towards more experienced yoga students. I was pretty decent with regards to balance and positioning, but I am so out of shape that I didn’t have the strength to hold many of the positions for too long, or to carry on at the speed that the class was held at. Even with the numerous brief pauses I took to have a sip of water, wipe the sweat off my brow, or try to figure out what she was directing us to do, I found that I was starting to ache already by the next morning. Now I am a bit sore all over, and although that means I probably overdid it a bit since I was already sore by yesterday morning, it feels good to know that I pushed not only my cardiovascular system but my muscles as well. What a refreshing feeling!