Sometimes, I still can’t believe she’s real

How did we get so lucky, to have this beautiful, amazing girl in our lives?

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Heading back to work

Well, here I am 12 weeks from the birth of my daughter and heading back to the office today.

I feel nauseated.

I’m running late, though I got up when I planned to. She was in a great mood, as she usually is in the morning, all smiley and full of coos and squeals. By the time our new nanny arrived, I had nearly everything ready to go.

I just wasn’t in a hurry to leave.

I’m going to miss my baby girl. And I’ll worry about her, because already she is very attached to me and is more upsettable with others. And she has been fighting the bottle, so I worry she won’t eat much.

I cried yesterday, to think it was my last day of full focus on my baby.

At the same time, I am looking forward to returning to my work. I feel so lucky that I have a job I love. I can’t imagine how I would get through this if I were at one of my previous two jobs. I feel certain I would have decided to stay home. But not now. Now I have a place to go where I will see people I’ve missed, where I will contribute to projects I care about in ways I enjoy.

And all of that will be at a part-time workweek of 2 days in the office and 2 partial days at home. The rest of the time is hers and mine, to continue to enjoy each other as she grows.

I feel so supported to have this option. I worked hard to get here, making calculated choices with a future like this in mind. But I am also so extremely lucky to have the skills and opportunities to make it happen.

I think it will be good for me. I even think it will be good for her, to become comfortable with others too and with my absence. And as she gets older, it will be a good model for her of possible ways to mix motherhood and career.

So I know today will be hard, but I think it will be good.