So as I’ve been writing about lately, after considerable time in the pre-conception phase, we finally began trying to conceive last month. Getting to this point was such a long road for us, and I am still excited and thankful to be here now. But it feels a bit like it was ready, set, go – start your waiting!
There is so much waiting! I’m thinking I need to get accept that there will be still more. We waited throughout my intense baby fever, waited for a better time, waited for a better job, waited to pay down debt, waited for me to be on less medication, waited for husband to be ready for the lifestyle change, waited for me to be stable on my new medication.
Then we got the green light, and we waited for fertile cervical fluid, waited for ovulation, waited for ovulation to be confirmed, and waited to do an early pregnancy test.
In the beginning I told hubby when I was going to take a test, but then I began doing the tests without talking to hubby, who wanted to just take it easy until my period was late and was trying not to get his hopes up until we were really there. But I, with an unusually high amount of social engagements with alcohol involved planned during the second week of my two week wait, wanted regular reassurance that it was probably fine to drink because I probably wasn’t pregnant. So I tested every 2-3 days from the first test day until my period came. With each BFN (big fat negative), I waited for AF (Aunt Flo) to arrive, actually wishing she’d get here sooner so I could start the next cycle. Each day that she didn’t show, hope grew that maybe I was pregnant but just didn’t have enough hormone for a positive test. So I would take another test two mornings later, telling myself it was just to be sure that I wasn’t, to keep that hope from growing so high that it hurt for it to die.
By Friday I was still waiting, though I’d been expecting my period to start Tuesday. And oh the cramps! I’d been feeling cramps and backaches every day since just a few days after ovulation!
On Friday afternoon my period arrived, and I actually felt relieved. I was relieved to know what was going on. And that night we had plans with friends who love to drink, and so I drank, as much as I wanted, with no worries about effects on a possible early pregnancy.
Then Saturday came. Husband and I were tired and somewhat hung over, and I spent much of the day curled on the couch. That’s when I really felt disappointed. I had kept telling myself it was unlikely we’d conceive on the first try, but inside I hoped we would all the same. Though I know it’s normal, that in any given cycle you are less likely to conceive than to not, it’s hard not to worry. We had timed intercourse well, with several times in my most fertile days, and in one place I read that if you do time it properly, the odds are more like 70%. So I had my hopes up though I knew I probably shouldn’t.
If this happens one month, what’s to say it won’t happen for many months?
We have no more reason to believe it will take us a year than to believe we will get pregnant this cycle, but still the unknown nature of it is scary. It’s not something you can train for. There is no practicing. It’s not like when I would prepare for a competition, a job interview, or a test. One day you are ready and you go out and try it, and then you wait two weeks for your results.
And if you are lucky enough to get a positive, then you get to wait 9 months. I’d better get used to this waiting thing.