Well, it’s been a good week so far. I’m really starting to get back into the groove of my research project. I was kind of dragging my feet there for a while, but once I really started, I remembered how I enjoy this.
I move my desk, as well, from the teaching assistant’s office to one of the research assistant’s offices. There are many people also in this office, and I may have been hesitant to move because I can be so self-conscious around my peers. But that’s silly, and being here now, I feel just fine. I spoke to my therapist, and we agreed that I may have been avoiding getting back to research because it involves being around the department, and I’m embarrassed about having failed my quals. But rationally I know that this is silly; it may be on my mind but there’s no reason for it to be on everyone else’s, even if they did gossip about who passed and who didn’t right after the results came back. Time has passed, and it’s doubtful they’re thinking about it now. And my new office? It has WINDOWS. Which look outside. It’s still daylight out right now. And so the light coming in, the light I’m working by, some of it is natural, and this feels so much more right.
I met with my adviser today, and I have a lot of things I can work on my project that seem interesting and worthwhile to me. I am going to be spending a little bit of time learning how to do some of the stuff that our group’s recent graduate had been doing. This involves specifics about data analysis that will allow me many hours in front of the computer at my new desk. But even though data analysis isn’t so much my thing as the experimental acquiring of the data, I’m kind of looking forward to this, to the feeling of accomplishment as I get work done and move towards another paper.
Things are good with the babies too. I babysat this morning, and baby was a darling, so adorable. Much less crying when baby woke to find it was me and not mommy, and we played and I bounced him and he shrieked with glee, which made my heart warm. And this morning, the mama told me that the other day she asked Toddler who was in his family, and he said “Mommy, Daddy, Toddler, Baby, and Flicka Mawa!” How cute! I’m part of the family! That warms my heart too. To top it off, mama told me they are going to give me a raise, because they are really happy with me and want to make sure I am happy working with them and want to stay with them. Sweet! I’m so flattered. This babysitting thing, it’s really, really helping with my desire to start my own family. I can calm down my desires, because for now, I have this family, this sweet Toddler and Baby and they like me, and I like them. And that’s enough for now.