A Cat Nap

• I am having a very negative day inside my head.  It is one of those days where the tasks of being an adult and taking care of oneself and a small household of two adults seem overwhelming.  One of those days in which I think, godD*MN, there are just too many things to be done!
• It goes something like this.  Flicka Mawa lists off stressors in her head, and then feels tense and irritated.  Flicka Mawa thinks of Husband, and how he would tell her not to give in to those feelings, and wills her brain to busy itself with other topics, mostly through meditation.  Thoughts turn to stuff like: “It will get better. It will not always be like this.  Focus on your breathing. Let the calm flow through you…” you get the idea, right?
• Shortly, Flicka Mawa’s brain distracts itself with thoughts of impending doom and lists of things to do or things to be upset about.  Flicka Mawa either 1)gives in and sheds a few tears while she cuddles in a blanket and tries not to disturb Husband who is very busy prepping for his first business pitch to his older brother tonight, or 2)manages to be strong for some period of time, meditating and willing self not to dwell on the negative thoughts.  Switching between 1 and 2 ensues for the remainder of the day.
• Primary reason for today’s stressing? The sudden realization that in the past 2 days our bank account went from low to -$500, and all of a sudden that $1k check that Husband FINALLY got his freelance boss to send is going to be cut in half before we even see it.  This is the bank accounts first dip into negativity since, oh, February of this year.  It has probably spent more than 30 days in the past 6 months in such a state.
• I am getting kind of sick of it.  But I know it’s almost over, Husband and I have agreed and things really ARE going stellar for him right now, but it’s just, well…I just DON’T want to deal with this right now.  I have $5 in my purse, he might have up to $10 in his, and among things like having to pack something for lunch and dinner tomorrow from the limited food we have here, this also means that I can’t even afford to buy your basic over the counter medication for the d*mn yeast infection I seem to have gotten…
• The yeast infection is probably from all that sex I’ve been having.  At least this is a positive point in my list of random bullets.
• This morning’s realization led to another one - tax day is less than a week away, and now we don’t even have enough funds to pay someone to help us file, let alone to pay anything that we might owe.  And they’re going to be uber-complicated this year, because neither of us got W-2’s, I got paid via outside stipend for part of the year and internal university stipend for part of the year, and of course cash for my babysitting, but then husband, his is more complicated, as he had no full-time job all year - just a few of those MISC forms for some freelance work, and some cash investments in the company that went towards paying for Husband’s time as he worked on it.  Then there were some company expenses paid for out of our own accounts, and he works at home so we have can factor in home office costs.  All this leads to the taxes being much more complicated than last year and likely taking 10 times more time to do than either of us has to give in the next 3 weeks.
• And my Dad is about to drive past our corner of the world as he moves from my childhood homestate of MA to Myrtle Beach, SC.  He wishes to visit and take us to dinner and see us before he moves further away (SC) than he is now (MA).  But the best part is he’s planning to pass by in 2 weeks and my quals are in 2.5 weeks which means he should be planning to move a few days before the quals.  Now, if visits with my dad were all fun and no stress, I’d definitely say I’d make a way for it to work, but it’s not like that.
• I think that’s enough random bullets of consciousness (Is that what RBOC stands for when I see it on blogs?). I’m going to go watch some CSI:NY.
• Speaking of CSI:NY, at times like these, I find myself thinking of all the myriad of things I could go and do with the training I have up to this point at time.  One of the things I think about sometimes is forensic science.  I love solving mysteries, and chemistry, and if it weren’t for the danger and the crime involved, this would be an ideal endeavor for me, I think.
• Other things I think about doing instead of or after finishing grad school: science writing, like trying to go get a job at a science magazine or working as a freelance science writer.  Working in a paid position in a lab somewhere.  Being a professor who specializes in the interaction of science and the public, and maybe writes popular science books.  Finding some way to be a full-time mentor to aspiring women in science (mentoring the undergrads is my FAVORITE part of my current job).
• Or I could just wait for Husband’s company to sell for 10 million (not a completely unreasonable amount for an innovative website company such as the one he’s creating) and then play computer games all the time. And have a second home in Amsterdam.
• And have kids.
• Really cute kids.
• Like the ones I watch part-time, who love me so much it totally warms my heart.  The mama told me the other day that older toddler asks her if I’m coming over on days that I’m not, and that he’s even said “Mommy, I love you…and I love Flicka Mawa” when I wasn’t even there.  Kid, I love you too.
• Seriously, I’m off now.  Hope you all are having a better day than I am!

Tara Smith writes on her Scienceblog “Aetiology” Damn those women, out there ruining science and being lazy and depressed.

She pointed me to Christiane Nüsslein-Volhard’s Women in science — passion and prejudice.

I’m feeling some atheist pride after yesterday’s Dawkins talk. I came across this amusing T-shirt: Godless and Proud Ringer T says “GODLESS & PROUD — I outgrew the need for imaginary friends as a child.”

I’ve also been eagerly checking out a K8, a cat, a mission often since she’s expecting a baby pretty soon!

5 - minutes that I just kneaded pretzel dough for
45 - minutes that I must let it rise for
2.5 - hours I spend in class each week
11 - hours I spend on the subway in an average week
18 - approximate hours I spend while listening to my iPod in an average week
14 - hours straight I slept last Friday night
17 - approximate hours I babysit during the average week
2 - children I watch during aforementioned time
55 - total months old they are, combined
19 - months separating their ages
11 - months I’ve been working with this family
30 - number of times I wiped the wee one’s nose today.  Poor thing, he’s sick!
1 - month since I was awarded my MS degree! Yay!
45 - days until my qualifying exams (gulp)
3.5 - theoretical number of years until I get my PhD (my program sets a five year limit on funding for grad students)
1 - number of years until I think we might be around ready-ish to maybe start trying to conceive (with the huge variable of Husband’s start-up company…)
3.75 - years since I met Husband
17 - months I’ve been married
14 - months since Husband quit his salaried job to build a really awesome (and well-developed) website
3.5 - years since the first time I encouraged Husband to quit a salaried job in order to pursue his dream career path (which he was not on when I met him)
20,000 - dollars our angel investor promised us to start the company with
12,000 - dollars we actually received
5,000 - dollars we need to raise in the very near future
150,000 - estimated dollars we hope to find investors for in the not so far off future
3 - number of cofounders with my Husband
38 - days until Comic Con 2008, at which Husband and I hope we will have a booth, which will be a big step for us as we prepare to launch his website.  Check out the huge list of exhibitors already! It would be an awesome venue in which to start getting people excited about our website (which I won’t describe here but is relevant to the comic industry), which we then hope to pitch to investors (friends and family first, then angel investors).  I have a ton of confidence in Husband’s business plan and the applicable skill set of him and his co-founders (although Husband is the one who came up with the idea and the only one who works on it full-time, at least for now), as well as the amount that the market it’s targeted to is thriving right now, so I really believe this could happen.

Do you think my cat understood when she meowed at me and I told her “I’m sorry, Fluffy, but we only have enough wet food for one can a day and I gave you your can this morning”?

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When I’m feeling alone about my work-life balance concerns, in particular my strong strong STRONG desire to become a mom and how I might manage to still become a scientist, I find my blogosphere friends to be so comforting. In particular, I love to read the archives of PhD Mom, because she had her first children in grad school and her husband, like mine, is in computers, and I like to read about how that worked out for her. Thanks PhD mom, for having written so many great and honest posts that help me feel less alone!

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My husband rocks. I had already talked to him earlier about how I was feeling down, but now I talked to him again for a bit more, and he’s just so supportive, I couldn’t ask for anything more. We talked about the different options I have (I’ll be getting my master’s in January), and basically about how it’s up to me what I want to do. If I want to drop out of school, get some other sort of job for a while, and work on having the baby as soon as we are healthy enough, fine. If I want to stick it out until I get my PhD, that’s fine too. If I want to try and have a baby before finishing the PhD but stay in the program, fine, but I just need to make sure that I’m not putting more on my plate than I can realistically handle and setting myself up for a major meltdown. If I want to stay at home with the baby after I graduate and take time off from the work force, we’ll work it out. If I want to find a part-time job, we’ll work that out. And if I want to stay in academia full-time and continue to pursue a professorship, he’ll be there for me as well, my teammate and coach and best supporter. But it’s up to me, and I need to do what makes me happy, and that’s what he thinks too. And it’s so great, to know that I have this wonderful partner who will do whatever he can to help me achieve my dreams and my happiness, while I do the same for him. I love you, Husband.

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On this week of last year, I had just gotten over the scariest incident of my life as of yet - that in which my fiance didn’t return home from his bachelor party. It was 9 or 10 am on Saturday, and finally I gave in to my inner desire to stay calm and hope he’d call me back, and decided to call his friend. “Friend, is Husband crashed there with you?” “Flicka, is this a joke?” “No, Friend, he’s not home yet” “Oh god. I put him on the subway to go home 4 hours ago. Oh my god, flicka, where is he?” …silence, as I begin dry-wretching.

A long, long 45-60ish minutes later,

• after a visit from some cops who think I’m some dumb wifey whose husband-to-be got cold feet,
• and after our male friend took them in the hallway to explain that yes, even he who had been at the bachelor party with the husband-to-be is worried about him and that he wouldn’t have just run away,
• and after those same cops, incidentally, while they were here, found some smoked…ahem, illegal substances… and then hid it in the corner for me, telling me I shouldn’t leave that stuff out when I invite cops over, (Yes, Officer, I’m so very sorry, Officer, I was just so stressed out about my fiance who disappeared, very drunk and alone, in New York City during the night that I didn’t think to hide that, I’m so sorry, Officer),
• and after yet another winning moment wherein we think we’ve found him at a hospital but it turns out it’s his father (who shares his name) who’s in their records,

finally, finally, my husband-to-be arrived home. With a bag. In which was a toasted bagel. Yes, toasted. Because it hadn’t occured to him that me and his friends were all freaking out, and he thought, mmmm, yes, please do take the time to TOAST that bagel for me. As it turns out, and as we had suspected after many hysterical moments, he had fallen asleep on the subway. On the wrong subway, as he was too drunk to notice that the express was running local. And he had been robbed, of his cell phone and whatever money he had (he got the bagel with a few quarters from his back pocket), so he couldn’t call when he woke up, 3 hours after boarding the train, about an hour and a half from our home and on the wrong subway line.

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Also, at this time in general of last year, I was in twice as many classes as now, but doing less research, studying for midterms, managing to turn in homework sets, and putting the finishing touches on a very do-it-yourself wedding. Our anniversary is coming up this Sunday. Imagine, a whole. year. of marriage. Wow.

I went to a meeting today for women grad student scientists at my university, and I came away feeling a bit down. Somehow, I’d gotten it into my head that I might actually meet people there who were also concerned about work-life balance and were maybe thinking about having children. Jangor (a fictitious lobster god my friends and I all pray to) only knows why. For some reason, I thought: Hey, I’ll be meeting grad students from other science departments, even departments that are part of the larger university but not part of my particular school. Surely in this larger, more encompassing community, someone there will also be thinking and wondering when she might have a baby soon, and how that might work out, and what the school/program/adviser’s response will be.

Well, silly me. A whole new group of scientists, but why would they be any different than the ones I’d already met in my own school? Of course none of them have children, or even know any others who have children (I asked the group’s leaders if they knew anyone who had a baby or child at home, and they thought and thought and all they could come up with was a pregnant post-doc.)

I’m at a top research institution, and most of the women here are completely career-oriented. And anyone who’s not (like me!) probably hides it when they are on campus, so realistically speaking I shouldn’t have thought I might even find someone there with whom I might have this baby fever in common. Just because the group was unknown to most students of my own school, to them they were still with colleagues and coworkers amongst whom the professional appearance is important, and the decision to have a baby is a private matter. Even if any of them there were thinking about such things, it wouldn’t necessarily come out at the meeting. And if there are any female grad students at my school with a baby, they certainly wouldn’t have been at the meeting, since they would have rushed home after the day’s work to see their child!

So in retrospect it was silly of me to feel sad about not having found a new instant friend at the meeting, but the clear career interests (workshops, job panels, etc.) over enthusiasm about the work-life balance programming was enough to sadden me. I know I’m not the only person who cares about work-life balance in the women in science community at my school, but no one wants to talk about it much, and in the end I just felt so completely alone. Late this evening, I found myself staring up at the building I work in, thinking about what the university was for and whether I belonged there. I felt like in this large research institution, there was little old me, stuck in the wrong place, perhaps fooling myself into thinking I might be able to have a family with multiple children and a career in science.

I do feel better now, that I’ve had time to think about it, and I have not given up on the idea that I can have a family and a science career. I just don’t know how to go about finding a community of people with whom I can talk about my concerns and we can help each other through the decisions and the work involved. I mean, aside from the lovely blog community, which is great. But it would be nice to know some real-life women at the university too, the kind that I could see in person and smile at and even get a hug from on a tough day. How do I find these people? Any suggestions?

Today, I am feeling so tired. I just need a break, but it is Friday night, and now I get one. I’m still feeling down, but I’m looking forward to the weekend.

And I am overwhelmed with one feeling - love for the kids I take care of (Today, anyhow. Much of the time it is a really strong urge to have a baby, but I saw the children this morning, and they were so cute today that I feel content just having them in my life at this point.) They are so adorable! The baby turned one a few weeks ago, but, perhaps because he’s a second child, he seems rather advanced for a one year old. He walks really steadily and he’s been showing clear preferences nowadays. Also his language is really developing; he hasn’t quite been speaking words yet, but he he says all sorts of different sounds with different intonations like he means something, it’s just not quite English yet. And the toddler, oh how I love the toddler. He’s just so much fun; he loves to play with me, and I play with him, and he comes up to me for hugs and to sit with him and I tickle his feet and it’s just so….lovely. Mmmm…children.

So lately I’ve really been wanting a baby.  I’ve written about this before; it’s been particularly strong this month.  I think one reason might be because they refilled my birth control prescription with a different generic brand, and even though it’s supposed to all be the same, they do have different effects sometimes.  I’ve been having various unwell feelings all month (like nausea, sweating, and headaches) that can be explained by hormonal changes, so I suspect that this brand is affecting me.

In addition to the feeling that hormones are really affecting my body, a new couple-friend whom I met last spring and kept in touch with all summer is having a baby.  Like right now, as we speak.   I visited their apartment earlier this week, and when I walked into the bedroom and saw the empty crib and the baby swing and other stuff all ready for the baby’s arrival, I felt so emotional that tears came to my eyes.  Lately I think about what a wonderful father Husband will be and what a wonderful mommy I will be, and I just can’t wait to bring a little being into the world, our little being.

We are, of course, far from being able to afford it right now, as we are in more debt than just credit-card at the moment.  I get a stipend payment in September, and I shall be using it to pay overdue rent and rent for the whole semester too, so that will eat up most of the check.  Still, as depressing as it is to barely see the money, it’s good that it is enough to pay both our back rent and our rent through December, so we will feel much better once that is taken care of.  Living in NYC and a fairly minimal life, the rent is by far our largest expense.  All week I have been visiting and talking to new students who have just moved into apartments through the campus housing office, and although their apartments are cheap for the neighborhood, I can’t help but feel that since we struggle to pay our rent out here in our burrough of the city, we just couldn’t have afforded a one bedroom on campus.  Our rent is only 2/3rd that of the average rent for a one bedroom through campus housing, which in itself is probably only 3/4 of the rent of a one bedroom in the neighborhood that isn’t through campus housing.  Ah, to live in NYC.

So it’s 10:13 pm, and I’m at home, and do you know what I’m doing? Voluntarily?  I’m working on my research!  Running some data analysis!  Imagine that!

It’s rare that I do work because I really want to more than because I feel like I should get it done.  It feels really nice, to be this interested and intrigued by what the outcome of the data analysis will be.  Quite pleasant, quite pleasant.

In other news, I’ve felt very strong baby fever lately.  I’m reading a book on baby sleep, and it’s very interesting, but it makes me think a lot about when I’ll have my own baby.  I borrowed it from the mom I babysit for, because it describes the general philosophy she uses for her baby’s sleep.  I thought if I read the book myself, and understood the theory and reasoning behind it, I would be able to comfortably perform a pre-nap routine with the baby that follows her guidelines.  I’d have to say, it does seem to be helping to that end.  I felt much more confident putting baby down for his nap today, able to not leave him alone to cry but also to not cuddle him too much - i.e. to not rely on too many “sleep crutches” that baby won’t have when he wakes up during the night.

Ok, enough about that, back to that data analysis…

Well, it’s been a good week so far. I’m really starting to get back into the groove of my research project. I was kind of dragging my feet there for a while, but once I really started, I remembered how I enjoy this.

I move my desk, as well, from the teaching assistant’s office to one of the research assistant’s offices. There are many people also in this office, and I may have been hesitant to move because I can be so self-conscious around my peers. But that’s silly, and being here now, I feel just fine. I spoke to my therapist, and we agreed that I may have been avoiding getting back to research because it involves being around the department, and I’m embarrassed about having failed my quals. But rationally I know that this is silly; it may be on my mind but there’s no reason for it to be on everyone else’s, even if they did gossip about who passed and who didn’t right after the results came back. Time has passed, and it’s doubtful they’re thinking about it now. And my new office? It has WINDOWS. Which look outside. It’s still daylight out right now. And so the light coming in, the light I’m working by, some of it is natural, and this feels so much more right.

I met with my adviser today, and I have a lot of things I can work on my project that seem interesting and worthwhile to me. I am going to be spending a little bit of time learning how to do some of the stuff that our group’s recent graduate had been doing. This involves specifics about data analysis that will allow me many hours in front of the computer at my new desk. But even though data analysis isn’t so much my thing as the experimental acquiring of the data, I’m kind of looking forward to this, to the feeling of accomplishment as I get work done and move towards another paper.

Things are good with the babies too. I babysat this morning, and baby was a darling, so adorable. Much less crying when baby woke to find it was me and not mommy, and we played and I bounced him and he shrieked with glee, which made my heart warm. And this morning, the mama told me that the other day she asked Toddler who was in his family, and he said “Mommy, Daddy, Toddler, Baby, and Flicka Mawa!” How cute! I’m part of the family! That warms my heart too. To top it off, mama told me they are going to give me a raise, because they are really happy with me and want to make sure I am happy working with them and want to stay with them. Sweet! I’m so flattered. This babysitting thing, it’s really, really helping with my desire to start my own family. I can calm down my desires, because for now, I have this family, this sweet Toddler and Baby and they like me, and I like them. And that’s enough for now.

“Good morning, good morning!” (sung as Elaine does in the episode of Seinfeld where she’s all happy because she thinks she’s getting an apartment in Jerry’s building.)

Well, it’s a bright and cheery 7 am. Ok, maybe not that bright yet, I think there may be a few clouds. And maybe I’m not that cheery yet, because I’m emphatically not a morning person. I’m awake, but very sleepy. So why am I up at all, you ask? I am up this early because I am going to babysit. I am watching the baby while momma takes the toddler to a class. I am crazy. I am a night person, like my husband. The both of us, when we have no reason to keep a schedule, naturally begin going to sleep in the wee hours of the morning and getting up in the afternoon. So when I say I’m a night person, I mean I’m literally a nocturnal being if my schedule allows. But I volunteered for this, even including the Wednesday morning part, because I love babies so much. And I crave baby interactions so much. And I don’t regret it at all. I love building a relationship with these kids…they are so cute! And cuddly. And cute! And I just want to snuggle them. And maybe nibble their toes with some chocolate sauce. Mmmmm…..

So here I am, at 7 am, my husband still up from the night before because his schedule has gotten so out of wack. The one good thing about sleeping with him still up in the other room is I get to sleep with my cats again. Husband is a very light sleeper, and we’ve been keeping the cats out of the bedroom most nights, because sometimes they’ll start scratching the mattress or running around and it will wake him. But I love having them sleep on the bed with me so much, I usually let them in even if I’m really tired. Fluffy (not her real name) has lived with me since college, when I illegally kept her in the dorms with me. I met Husband less than a year after adopting Fluffy, and he began sleeping at my dorm with me. Back then we didn’t have a choice of putting the cats out of the bedroom, but also back then Husband wasn’t quite as light of a sleeper. Everynight Fluffy would sleep on the bed next to my legs, and it’s so adorable when she actually sleeps on top of me. I even think it’s cute when she lays on top of my head.

Right now, Fluffy is laying between my arms as I type. She’s learned how to curl up with Husband or I at our computers, how to curl up just right so we can keep working (or playing as it so often is) and she can just nap her cute little kitty head on our arms.

Even with just my cats Fluffy and Feisty, I am sometime so overcome with love and affection that I can barely contain it. Of course, it’s even stronger with my husband, but I can squeeze him really hard or pretend to eat his fingers and that’s all ok. With the cats, I have to hold in check the desire to squeeze their fluffy, cute bodies with my hug, because they’re much smaller and more fragile…plus, they wouldn’t like it. Fluffy loves hugs, but squeezing hugs is another matter.  I don’t know how I’m ever going to keep my desire to squeeze and lick and nibble in check when I have my own babies! Those poor kids are going to be sick of hearing how much I love them and think they are adorable…