Patterns in Depression and Dysthymia

Monday, October 19, 2009 at 9:45 am (University and depression, about me, bulimia, depression, eating disorders, health, workplace adjustment)

Once, a few years back while in a therapy session, my doctor mentioned to me that although she didn’t like to label, she had diagnosed me with dysthymia. At the time I didn’t think much of it, figuring it was just a particular diagnostic class of depression and that I didn’t need to know the details. But for a number of reasons recently, I decided to look into what it meant. In short, dysthymia (sometimes called chronic depression) is a form of mood disorder which has similar symptoms to depression, but they are often milder and last longer, for years. For me, the symptoms could be described as varying levels of hypersomnia, hopelessness, anxiety, guilt, loss of interest, sadness, and excessive crying, although many people experience it differently.

I’ve always felt that I was particularly sensitive to environment, in that in certain surroundings and social groups, the effort it would take to pull myself out of my self-critical thought patterns and incessant negative thoughts was more than I could manage. So I carefully considered the location of my university choice so as to put me in the place I felt most comfortable. For me, that place is a big city: a place so abundant with people that although I am surrounded by them, very few of us have the time to observe our neighbors closely, care about their choices, or actually express to them that we are uncomfortable with their differences. To me, this is the place where I can be me, find others like me, and find the inner strength to not worry about whether or not I fit in and am liked by the people I encounter each day. Living in this city filled with life and energy quells my anxious thoughts and helps me to be both carefree and driven. I feel at home here, and I love to show my acceptance of all the varied people who are my neighbors. And I can find any service that I need quickly, while not having to return to the car culture that my youth was so entrenched in. I firmly believe that this is both a great place to be and a great place for me.

Dysthymic people can also suffer from major depressive episodes, in this case termed “double depression.” I think I’m beginning to see some patterns to when my stronger depressive episodes develop. This last few months, there have been similarities to the depressed period which had originally brought me to my therapist in the first place. It seems that I am very sensitive to my social environment. When I was skating, it meant my home club and coaches. In school this meant my classmates and professors. At work it’s my coworkers and bosses. While some uneasiness may kick in right after a switch (new semester, new job, etc.), I’m often buoyed for the initial period by my love of new things. To me something new is something to learn from, and I love learning. But after the newness wears off, generally 3 to 6 months in, things get bumpier. I often start to really notice the people around me, and in many cases I start to fixate on the feeling that I don’t belong.

As I write this, I can remember so many times when this has happened. The first instance when I felt this way to the degree that I was not in control of my thoughts was when I was 17, and my training routine at the rink had changed. I was skating full-time at a club that I had rarely felt quite right at, and I was not able to spend much time at my favorite club, the place where I really felt at home. Many of my closest friends, skaters at that club, had moved on to other things. My coaches had decided to teach exclusively at this place that never felt as homey, and I found myself surrounded by ambitious young skaters. I was unable to value the maturity and strength that my skating had, and I only saw myself as a giant among little girls in a sport where smallness is an advantage. The bulimia that had began less than a year earlier spiraled out of control, and by the end of the summer I decided to quit, thinking that taking myself out of this environment, this competitive skating world, would help me heal. At the time, I didn’t realize how long that process would take.

Years later, when I was a junior in college, it was the beginning of classes with other driven students from my major field of study that led to this place. At first I did well enough, enjoying the challenge and the new things to learn. But as the semester wore on, the attitude of my professors and classmates wore me thin. By Christmas I couldn’t bear to attend the Holiday Party for fear that my professors would secretly be laughing at me for thinking I had a place in the department. By spring, I was missing classes and homework assignments because I couldn’t bear to turn in what I thought was such poor work or even to get out of bed and face the day. At some point I got low enough to feel that I was out of control and that my school success was in danger, and I wrote an emotional, pleading e-mail to my Dean. And so began that road to recovery.

Having been acutely aware of my environment, when I found myself struggling not long after having entered my first office job, I figured it was pretty normal. I was in a new environment, a foreign environment to me, and it would take me time to learn the ropes and find my place. But now I think it’s more than that, and I’m beginning to see the similarities to other situations that have led me to this emotional place.

This time, I was nervous about the new setting and lifestyle. But for the first 3 months, I was happily engrossed in a high priority, fast-paced project. I drew energy from this and didn’t concern myself much with the coworkers who weren’t on the project. There were many instances of a coworker’s statement or behavior being an unpleasant surprise to me, but the good parts outweighed the bad, and I could almost say that I was loving my job.

Then, in July, that project’s major deadline passed and I didn’t have much to do for it anymore. My work day slowed down, and I took on more varied tasks requiring interaction with more of my coworkers. And the feeling that I didn’t belong grew stronger.

Now, It’s been 6 months since I started this job, and I’ve been feeling somewhat out of control of my thoughts and emotions for the past couple of months. By the end of August it was pretty clear to me that I was having more difficulty than normal, healthy people do. This was compounded by my period of no health insurance (I had to wait 3 months after my job began to get health benefits) and the difficulty I had in obtaining my antidepressant prescription, which I’d been on for over 5 years. I managed to get the Rx, but not without significant stress, cost, frustration, and two hospital visits.

It was at the second of those emergency visits (I had tried but been unable to find a psychiatrist that would see me, a new patient, on short notice, and my therapist was out of town) that I realized that my struggle to adjust was outside the bounds of healthy behavior. I confided in the doctor that I had cried at work almost every day the prior week, and she said that sounded like the meds weren’t working. She let me go home with a prescription and the promise that I would go to my new psychiatrist appointment the next week  and come back in if I couldn’t make it until then. To top things off, this particular visit marked the first day of our “staycation,” and I spent the whole day in the hospital (the wait was over 7 hours!). I resolved to shake the feeling that I couldn’t even properly enjoy a vacation from work, and Husband and I made the best of the rest of our time off.

Since then it’s been a struggle, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. My insurance has kicked in and I’ve found a psychiatrist that I feel comfortable with. We increased my dosage in September, and things have gotten only slightly more manageable. He said if things were still rough by this week, I should go back in and we’ll try a combination instead. So I will do that this week, and try it out for a while. Between him, my therapist, and the support of my husband and friends, I will get out of this rough patch too.

*Edited slightly from original posting

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Culture Shock

Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 7:15 pm (Gen Y, New York City, about me, career development, financial woes)

I hardly know where to begin. When in doubt, start in the middle. No no just kidding.

The beginning, well I guess that would be background. Through my life history, my friends, my family, my environment, and the pursuits I’ve chosen and been fortunate enough to dive deeply into…through all of these things I’ve seen a wide strata of society. I’ve gotten closer to some parts than to others, but I’ve been exposed to a lot.

From my own family, on one side from a dark history during the Great Depression to the behaviors that desperation helped develop in my grandfather, and from the lives of immigrants in the early 20th century to the multi-generational struggle towards both accepting and respecting ourselves. On the other side, from an American history spanning back to pre-Civil War North Carolina to growing family during the Great Depression to a classic post-WWII 1950s American family to life with those Yankees up in Massachusetts. With all these different personal histories merged into the story that led to my existence, I grew up learning how to be compassionate, open-minded, and accepting of different backgrounds and the personal struggles that so many face.

In my youth, I also met all sorts of people, mostly New England suburbanites. From the kind and gratious modern immigrants who attended my public school for it’s strong English as a second language program to the friends whose parents worked extra jobs so that their kids could train in competitive figure skating to the richer skaters who drove only Mercedes and lived in the huge houses in the Boston suburbs with the best schools. Despite our varied backgrounds, we learned to work together and support each other, many of us driven by the shared passion for the sport of figure skating and our dreams of achieving within it.

In my college years I moved to NYC to attend a very selective school, and there I met a whole new slew of people. There were hard-working kids that were the first in their families to go to college, over-achievers of middle-class means (where I’d place myself), and no shortage of students who had spent most of their summers working to improve themselves in educational or athletic sleepaway camps or travelling the world with their families. They were the most foreign to me; they chatted about the latest Tiffany’s fashions, had a credit card from Daddy and a fake ID, and many had not yet worked for pay themselves. But still among this diversity of backgrounds I found unity with many, for we shared an intellectually curious attitude and were lucky enough to be a part of a great academic community, full of energetic people eager to make a difference in their communities.

Then I met my husband, and I learned up close about another stratum of society. His family history included Irish Catholic and German Jewish immigration to Brooklyn in time to see the mobs and ethnic strife close up, extreme intelligence of the sort that sends a kid to college as a young teenager, and some serious hardships that would have tested anyone’s emotional resilience and ability to carry on. That side of his family was poorly equipped to deal with the things thrown at them, and by the late 20th century had lost most of the resources their family had developed towards decent lives in Brooklyn.

His family history also included a large Guatemalan family, of which one particular daughter faced many struggles, losing her first husband to what she later learned was an escape into exile to protect his life in the face of an imminent coup, finding herself left alone to raise their young son. She later remarried and had another son, but his father didn’t treat her right, and she realized she had to get out for her safety and sanity. That was when she found her way to America, meeting a man in late 1970s Brooklyn whom she would marry and have two more sons with. The oldest son was my Husband, who spent his childhood in Brooklyn before his father disappeared and his mother, his brother, and him moved to a cheaper apartment in the Bronx. There they witnessed and experienced many hardships, but always were buoyed by the love, strength, and the incredible will of his mother. Despite their material struggles, his mother, a teacher, always emphasized the value of education, and with her support and the intellect passed to them from their father, both he and his brother were accepted into an exclusive upper east side private school, the tuition covered by the school’s endowment. There my husband made friends that he’s held on to since, people who I’ve come to value as friends as well. Despite their varied backgrounds, they too bonded over shared intellectual curiosity and worldviews and their shared environment during that formative phase of life.

Now I’ve started my first real-world job, in an office setting, and it’s a new adjustment. I thought that everyone here would work together towards the office’s shared mission, but if that’s happening I’m not sure. People seem mired in their daily struggles, which is understandable. They have a wide range of attitudes towards work, and it doesn’t leave me with the feeling that we’re all working together towards a shared goal.

In that absence it seems that they try to bond over what they assume to be shared experiences or mundane small talk: the weather, their summer vacation destinations, the search for housing in NYC, marriage struggles, or drunken nights. Somehow it turns out that my experiences in these areas are dissimilar from those of my colleagues – I dread summer; the only destination vacation I’ve taken in the last 5 years was my honeymoon and we still carry debt from it; they seem to think that $2,000 is a reasonable or even affordable and good rent; I’m incredibly happy in my marriage and don’t take it for granted; and I have little interest in bar hopping. I often come away from these conversations feeling more disconnected from my coworkers instead of less.

But what really gets to me is their attitude. Sometimes it seems like they’ve all given up. Throughout my life I’ve always given immense thought to my choices and whether they were likely to maximize my happiness. I’ve always tried to separate those choices from the general “expectations” that I perceived society had for people my age. As a result I feel immense pleasure and drive to do the work that I’ve chosen. I’m struggling to shake off my surprise and disappointment that my colleagues don’t appear to approach work with the same attitude. There is a lot more negative energy than I was prepared to handle. And I’m lost to find things that can help me feel connected to my coworkers.

The positive side of this is that I’ve begun exploring resources intended to aid my generation to adjust and succeed in the workplace. I’ll definitely write about this as I learn more. Meanwhile, dear readers, I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

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Meow?

Saturday, June 27, 2009 at 4:50 pm (Yawns, about me, career development, health, work-life balance)

Flicka Mawa stretches a paw out from under the furniture she’s been hiding beneath. Slowly, the sleek adult cat inches her way out, yawning. It’s clear she is waking up from a lengthy nap.

Now more alert, she raises her tail and turns her head, surveying her surroundings. Cocking her head to one side, she looks thoughtful. After a short pause, she bounds toward the window ledge, leaps up to her perch, and peers outside at the world. It’s almost as though you can see her thinking, enjoying the view and her new perspective on it. Her subtle body language suggests her contentment, and it’s hard not to feel at peace as you watch her. Flicka Mawa is happy.

Readers, friends, passersby: I have been absent for a time now, but I’ve thought of you, and of my home here, in this nook of the blogosphere. Life has been busy and there have been many adjustments as I’ve settled in to my new job. There have been changes, some welcome, some not as much, but nonetheless the days and weeks have gone by.

I find myself here now, ready to write again, hoping that I’ll find the time now that I’ve got this wonderful toy, a shiny and beautiful new iPhone. I say toy because it is incredibly fun to use, but for me it is practical and productive as well. I’m composing this post, in fact, while travelling – and it is during my hour long subway commute that I most love this device and it’s many capabilities.

This time, however, I’m travelling home from my mother’s house in Pawtucket, RI. She spent the early part of the week in the hospital, but is better now. It seems there was some type of blood flow problem in her brain, possible a transient ischemic attack (commonly known as a mini-stroke), but none of the tests were conclusive. Luckily on the day she was discharged from the hospital my bosses let me take off and travel to take care of her. I cooked her wholesome balanced meals and encouraged her to rest and relax, which she’s not at all prone to do on her own. It was great to see her, even under less than ideal circumstances.

The break was nice for me too, as life has been quite stressful lately. I really enjoy my new job, but my days are often filled with short deadlines and complex projects. It makes the days interesting, exciting, and even fun for me, but I often arrive home completely drained. Adjusting to a new lifestyle has its challenges, and this is my first 9-5 job. On top of that, many of our friends have been experiencing tough times, and Husband and I try our best to keep our hearts open to them.

With the new schedule and often tired state, I’ve struggled to keep in touch with my friends, and it leads me to worry how many times I can decline an invitation before they stop coming. I’m managing ok with my closest friends, I think, but it’s all the more casual relationships that threaten to fade. I do hope to still make it out to spend time with all of the fun and interesting people that I call my friends. I believe I’ll get out more as my energy levels adjust to the new routine.

I’ve caught up on a few of my favorite blogs, and I look forward to reading more blogs now!

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A new career direction

Sunday, March 1, 2009 at 4:07 pm (New York City, about me, academia, career development, science, women in academia, women in science)

I’m extremely pleased to share that I may have found a new job.  A regular day job, with a salary, benefits, and vacation time.  It even has a 35 hour work week and a good helping of holidays.  What I’m most excited about is that it’s doing something good for the city of New York!  So what is it?

Well, I’ll tell you this.  It is in environmental engineering.  This is a shift for me, as I’d studied a broader, related field.  I’ve found myself wondering, over the past year, why I chose to study the field that I did.  And the answer, most clearly, is that I love the material covered in it.  But in choosing that field I neglected some other factors that are important to me: societal impact and geographic location of jobs.

I’ve always felt that the fundamentals of the field were principles needed and worthy of understanding and study, but the ends to which these principles are put to use left me feeling something lacking.  While society could not function as it does without practitioners of this field, they most often are found in corporations working towards profit, profit which is mostly seen by shareholders and executives.  Meanwhile these corporations often have large lobbying components and are parts of industries that I see as being corrupt or under-regulated.

So as I dove further into the subject and the field, I found myself drawn towards continuing academic study or teaching.   By working in that part of the field, I could work in a city (industry jobs are largely in rural or suburban areas, where there is land for the sprawling corporate campuses and industrial plants, but I am uninterested in living outside of a city).  By working in academia or teaching, I could make an impact by helping future generations, or by moving the edge of science along.  But I found that I don’t like much of the culture and requirements of academia, nor do I care for the scarcity of jobs and low salaries available in teaching.  I came to this realization mostly over the course of 2008, when I left graduate school and, in the fall, taught lab courses at a local college.  There were parts of that which were great, but, as a full career, I’m not sure that it’s quite right for me.

In December, I found myself looking back at a year in which I’d seen a lot of changes.  Husband and I, working hard at our startup company, were living sparsely.  Bill collectors were calling often, we were constantly declining when our friends proposed nights out in the city, and we found ourselves once again unable to share more than love, friendship, and thanks during the season of giving.  We had, and always have, our love and companionship, and I was still happy. But I was also tired and stressed, and by the end of 2008 I finally felt like it was time for me to start planning what was next.

I was in the fortunate situation of having multiple directions to choose from, and I barely knew where to start.  I perused job postings and the career website from my Alma Mater, looking at a few different career paths that seemed possible and at least somewhat interesting.  And I discovered that environmental engineering might hold what I was really looking for – the interesting topics, rigorous problem solving, and teamwork that I found in my previous discipline, but with the important added aspects of a positive societal impact and jobs in urban areas.  On top of that, the field looks poised to grow as the green movement gains strength and political support. I’m enthusiastic about the potential in this new area, but I still only know a little bit about it.

Nonetheless, I had the good fortune of a successful job interview a little over a week ago, and now have a tentative job offer, which is going through the steps of paperwork approval.  It even appears I negotiated for a top salary in the department for my position!  I’m very excited and immensely looking forward to learning about this new area for me.

Readers, does anyone have any advice about the field or great books to recommend?

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Things I want to do in the next decade

Friday, January 16, 2009 at 3:24 pm (Yawns, about me)

Last November, I found myself thinking a lot about the future, and saved this writing prompt for a future post.  Over the past year, there have been many changes in my career plans, and I found myself thinking about the future in more general terms.  It began when I thought of something that I wanted to do in the future, and then I thought…what else? What else do I want to do, which ones can I reach and which ones will remain daydreams?

Here are a few things I’ve come up with:

  • Keep a constant stock of wine
  • Return to Amsterdam (possibly for an extended stay)
  • Visit San Francisco
  • Move to a different part of New York City
  • Have a baby. And another…
  • Launch a professional site for my skating coach services
  • Try a job in industry or consulting
  • Make new friends
  • Sew more
  • Compete in Adult Figure Skating Eastern Sectionals
  • Advance from Sectionals to the US Figure Skating Adult Championships
  • Pay off our credit card debt
  • Get better furniture
  • Find a career that challenges me and is flexible enough to let me live life the way I want to

What do you want to do in the next decade?

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Cat Wisdom Wednesday: Skating

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 at 11:31 pm (about me, cat wisdom, figure skating)

One of my greatest pleasures is the feeling of gliding across the ice, legs and arms gracefully extended, able to feel the energy stretching out to my fingertips. Or spinning quickly on a blade, laying my body back and stretching my arms up above me while my hair blows about with the speed I’ve created.

These are pictures of me, about 7 years ago:

Jumping

Layback Spin

Spinning

This winter, I began teaching ice skating lessons at a rink in the area.  It’s an outdoor rink, and I teach basic skills. I’m really enjoying it.  It’s helped me to remember why I fell in love with skating in the first place – around 17 years ago.

Certainly, it was enchanting – the feel of the brisk air around you, as you jump and twirl on the edge of a blade.  And the daredevil, athletic side of me loved the idea of jumping around, as my brother would call it, “on frozen water with knives on my feet.”  But it was more than that.   Whether it was performing for a crowd or skating on a practice session with no spectators at all, skating was the most fun sport I had tried (and it still is).   I love the challenge, to strive to always be ever so perfectly balanced, but not to let on how difficult it is.

But much preparation went into it, and at practice sessions I had to try again and again, learning how to teach my body the exact movements needed to land a difficult jump.  So that’s why I’ve chosen this as the new quotation for my Cat Wisdom Wednesday series, from George Bernard Shaw:

I learned to speak as people learn to skate or cycle, by doggedly making a fool of myself until I got used to it.

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Talking with Venture Capital

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 2:07 am (Entrepreneurship, about me)

So I don’t know how many of you read my 6 random things post, but in it I mentioned that I sent T!’s executive summary to a venture capital firm.  I knew that a cold e-mail, without an introduction or personal connection, was probably the worst way to send a plan.  But we did not know anybody and had not yet met any of their members, so I wrote a specific e-mail to someone at the firm who shared my alma mater.  Steeling myself for inevitable rejection (the chances of receiving venture capital are something like 1%), I wrote then that “I hold out hope that they will at least take the time to read my e-mail and determine that our idea at least warrants reading our summary.”

Well, they did read our e-mail, and our summary.  In fact, I received a response from this fellow alum in the middle of that very night.  That person passed the summary to an analyst at the firm to read. This was our first VC submission, and we chose this firm in particular because of their business model.  They focus on early stage companies and invest smaller amounts of money than traditional venture capital firms.  And today, I heard back from the analyst. We have scheduled a phone call. This is a small step, but I am both thankful and excited.

Each step brings us closer to our goal of finding funding for our company.  But whether we eventually score funding or not, each step also brings us valuable experience.  Every phone call and business meeting gives us a little more comfort, a little more familiarity with the fundraising process.  It also gives us some feedback on our ideas and our plan, and another chance to assess how we are presenting it and to see how others respond to it.  And with each step we build confidence, which in turn increases our chances of convincing others that we are worthy of their consideration and possibly their funding.

Husband and I and our team want to make it to the goal so badly.  But whether we make it there or not, it’s already become apparent to me that both Husband and I have gained lots of valuable experience and skills from our work on this company.  All the time, I’m feeling more comfortable pitching myself or our business to complete strangers.  And it’s spilling over into other areas.  I’m finding it easier to pitch myself as a skating coach, tutor, or babysitter.  I’m more organized and I know where to start when I want to find new clients.  Husband is receiving tons of positive feedback as he looks for more consulting gigs.  And just last week I was chilling with some friends and we decided to start a small tutoring agency.  Now I’m a founder, too!

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Six Random Things About Me

Wednesday, November 12, 2008 at 12:27 am (about me)

I haven’t had much time lately to write about my life or my thoughts, but I figure that I can at least manage a little meme.  I was tagged by KidsnData, who writes some excellent and thoughtful posts on her blog.

Here are the rules:

  1. Link to the person who tagged you.
  2. Post the rules on your blog.
  3. Write six random things about yourself.
  4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
  5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
  6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Now, for another list of 6…the 6 random things about me:

  1. I’m nice. Like, really, really nice.  I think if I had to come up with one word that almost everyone I know would say describes me, it would have to be nice.  Just today, someone told me they could tell I’m not a New Yorker because I am too nice – not that it’s a bad thing, but I’m missing that cloud of cynicism that so many New Yorkers have.  I assured her, I’ve got some healthy cynicism, it’s just that maybe I keep it in my head and only share it with people I’m close to.  There is room for niceness too in the diverse city that is New York!
  2. This year was the first time I voted for the candidate that went on to win the Presidency.  Not only that, but I voted for him in the primaries too!  I’m so excited.  I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t go any further without gushing about how excited I am about President-elect Barack Obama!  Election day was an interesting whirl of phone calls and e-mails from friends and familiar, from shared cheering to ridiculous e-mails from one particular family member who bought the crazy crap that’s moving around in the media in some phobic areas – you know, that Obama was really born in Kenya and thus isn’t a true Amerizan citizen (this, from a family member born in Guatemala), or that as soon as he got into office he’d put “a towel around his head” and “praise llah-a.”  If you don’t even know it’s Allah and you still refer to towels then you’re a bit too ignorant to judge.
  3. I have a distaste for suburbia that might be a bit unfair.  Growing up, I was exposed specifically to a certain type of suburbia – upper middle class white suburbia.  Where Judaism is a curious oddity (I did attend ONE bat mitzvah and learned a little bit about dreidels) and it seems like everyone is expected to grow up to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a businessman.  And wearing clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch means everything.  I’m so much happier in the incredibly diverse New York City.
  4. Today I sent an e-mail and executive summary to someone at a venture capital firm.  I’ll in all likelihood never hear back from them because I didn’t know anyone who could personally introduce us, but I hold out hope that they will at least take the time to read my e-mail and determine that our idea at least warrants reading our summary.
  5. My cat, Fluffy, has spent all day either whining at me to hold her or pet her, or sleeping on top of some part of my body.  For the part where she was curled under the blanket except for her head peaking out, this was cute. The whining, not so much.
  6. I started two new jobs two weeks ago. One is teaching chemistry lab at a local university, and the other is coaching ice skating.  I really love teaching and interacting with students.  I’m intensely enjoying both of them, and just need to find yet more work to pay the bills.  I’m thinking of applying to a few part-time, freelance technical and science writing jobs.  In particular, I’d love to write science news for the public audience. If anyone knows of any openings or connections, let me know!

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Becoming a businesswoman?

Thursday, October 9, 2008 at 2:36 am (Entrepreneurship, about me, business)

A month or so ago, I wrote about a pitch I was going to that day.  Some of you commented to wish me luck, and I thank you for your kindness.

Generally, all of the people we’ve connected with either in person or over the phone at least want to know more, and some seemed impressed or excited.  But everything is so slow!

Meanwhile, we’re chugging away at development and meeting with more people in an effort to secure financing.  Right now we’re looking for angel investors (wealthy individuals and sometimes groups who often offer smaller investments than venture capital), and we have our next meeting in which we hope to sell shares this weekend.

I’ve been networking – I’m new at this, but I’d say I’m not half bad.  I remember so well when I was very shy as a child, and in my teenage years I spent a lot of time with alternating thoughts going back and forth in my head. But these days, I often feel clear headed, in control, and confident.  I’m also thankful that I

At one networking event I was at, I walked right up to the keynote speaker and introduced myself.  I’m not sure if that was something I would have been able to do 5 years ago, and I’m glad that I’ve gained that skill.

Sometimes recently I’ve felt very anxious, but it is anxiety over the uncertainty of what’s to come.  As I see it, I am choosing to live with that level of uncertainty. I am choosing to live a very cheap life in order to build a small technology company.  I am choosing to do this, in order to have a chance at having my work directly control my own future, and to have my work days directly controlled by me.

In a way, we’re the techie version of the starving artist – we’re the broke young entrepreneurs. He codes through the night and sleeps until the afternoon; I often match his schedule but doing business, management, and finances.  Except rather than being a group of college buddies, we’re a husband and wife team.  Our entire team also includes 4 other great guys, but we connect over the internet from different parts of the country.

Husband and I live and work together, day in and day out.  And I love it! I really truly do, and we get along so well.  We’re crazy best friends, the type that share everything.  We live this way together, cheaply, striving to build a successful internet company while we scrape together enough to pay the bills with a combination of baby sitting money, research consulting for my old PI, loans and help from friends and family, and soon, my part-time skating coach income.  We survive not on ramen noodles but on staples like home cooked meals with basic ingredients like pasta, chicken, and vegetables. I must admit, though, we do eat our share of toaster oven baked pizza – at 2 for $3, it’s $1.50 for a tasty, hot, and easy meal!

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From Graduate School to Small Business Owner/Tech Entrepreneur

Tuesday, September 2, 2008 at 4:09 am (Entrepreneurship, about me, marriage, science)

Today we pitch.

We’re asking for a reasonable sum – six digits – (of which we hope to get 25-50% from this particular investor).  It is an unimaginable sum to me, to us, who have been eating only pasta all too often lately and are months behind on our rent.  But it is a small sum in the world of capital raising for tech start-ups, and it is a small sum to this man who lives in an exclusive building that turns away people who make millions in annual income but don’t also have millions saved (too risky).  And there is much more to be made, and much in our plan to help the company’s value grow.

We are going for our second meeting with a potential angel investor today, at noon, at his Fifth Ave office.  He was very excited and interested after the first meeting, way back in April, when Husband showed him the demo of the program he had written, and rewritten, and rewritten again.  In April, I offered my comments and feedback, my thoughts and responses, and my support.  But I didn’t have a personal stake or title in the company – it was his thing and mine was graduate school, and science.  Not long before I took my quals for the second time, I attended a convention with my husband for his company. I had a great time, and I came away very excited about the field he was working in and the prospects for his company, which I knew intimately although I had no formal role.

So when I had to leave the doctoral program I was in, a move to working on my husband’s project, which was an innovative tech start-up, seemed both natural and exciting.  It was not only his project but his dream, to have a successful idea and to be able to be his own boss and do something that he enjoys. I want that so much, not only for him but also for me.  That job description is also ideal for me in my desire for a fully flexible, mom friendly career. And it’s appealing to me – in particular I’m loving learning all of these new things!

The skills and confidence that I had developed through my education and research experience in my field of engineering are well put to use here.  Chief among the skills I learned and honed in school that I use in my role now are: analytical thinking, mathematical analysis, problem solving, project planning and management, working on teams, putting together well-written documents, presenting and public speaking, and general research (before it was science, now it is marketing).

So helping Husband out with the company was an exciting choice.  I eagerly dove in, and learned all about the industry and the market (adding that to what Husband had already told me about the technology).  With the help of an awesome lawyer who was a friend of a friend, I arranged for and oversaw the drafting of hundreds of pages of legal documents for such things as incorporation, intellectual property law, stock agreements, and employment agreements.  And then I read all of them to make sure we approved and understood…many jokes were made about caffeine IVs!  But really I am so passionate about making this company work that I almost read them eagerly.

I learned also learned about business taxes and employment law – from reading IRS guides and government regulations.  And with the help and advice of my mom, I learned how to use quickbooks and the basics of business accounting.

Today, I go with Husband, as an equal, as a partner in the company, to this very important presentation and business meeting.  It happens to be with a man who managed a small office of mostly men (the women didn’t stay long), and who occupies a completely different economic echelon of society.  I will be giving half of the presentation, all of which I created myself.

I’ve never done this before.

I am going to walk in there with confidence.  Confidence that I am an officer, a shareholder, a manager, and the corporation’s secretary and treasurer.  Confidence that I am crucial to the team, and that my work and development of the company plan will speak for themselves. And confidence that he won’t want to pass up this investment opportunity.

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